WHAT IF IT NEVER GETS BETTER | GILLIAN HERRERA
once , i daydreamed summits ! a jungle
filled with jewel-toned leaves ! running
marathons ! if i wanted , i’d ride as far
as the coast – there were no fires then
to sever us from the ocean . my head
was a koi pond & the water cleansed
itself . we thrived together . my dreams
now are shrunken things : smoke lifting .
just standing in the kitchen with a cup of
coffee , in the shower with my weight on
both feet . no crutches . doing laundry .
now my head is a well with bloated bodies
macerating inside . i can still hear my tibia
snapping . rubber bullets . is it wildfire smoke
we’re inhaling or tear gas ? how did the fires
start ? were they always burning ? when it’s
too acute i imagine the pain is the fault line
in my bones knitting together , convergent
boundary – first a blood clot , then a callus
around a titanium core . i’m a cyborg now
& more human than ever . i’m afraid i’ll die
like this , before walking again . i’m afraid the
smoke will not lift . & truly , the smoke will not
lift – it will instead become rain . first the water
will accept the sky’s sacrifice , then the earth ,
then the body , & then will come a cleansing .
Gillian Herrera is an indigenous woman, activist, anarcho-communist, writer, artist, and preschool teacher. Far from her ancestral home in the so-called American Southwest, she now lives in Portland, Oregon. She managed to survive receiving a B.A. in Creative Writing from Indiana University. Her work has appeared in Peach Mag and treblezine. It primarily deals with exploring identity, processing trauma, and finding hope and humor in desperate times.
Cover art by Sherita Trent. Our Favorite Place. 9x12. Mixed media illustration.
Sherita Trent is a mixed media artist residing in Portland, Oregon. Her process is intuitive, detail oriented, and playful—producing works of art that exude her deep appreciation for the magic within the everyday moment. As a Black artist, she is particularly interested in reverbing the message that Black Joy is Resistance! You can see more of Sherita's work on Instagram: @ofquirkywonder and Facebook: www.facebook.com/ofquirkywonder. Keep an eye out for her Etsy shop coming soon!: www.etsy.com/shop/OfQuirkyWonder
